Finally finding my voice.

My earl grey that i drink as i write this.
My earl grey that i drink as i write this.

For the past few years my writing has been devoid of character. The ironic, sarcastic voice that used to seep into my writing disappeared to be replaced with a complete lack of personality. My technique became a tad better but my writing as a whole lacked creativity and passion.

For the first time in a long time I can feel this changing, I feel the flow of words beginning to take over again and the passion for writing returning. I find myself watching passersby’s on the street and wondering what they would do if they were characters in my potential novels and when I’m challenged to write something I find myself wanting to do it.

A little honest talk here: I’ve struggled with who I am for most of my life. Depression, though undiagnosed, is not unfamiliar to me and I have at least one known “learning disability” that has made learning how to become the storyteller I am that much harder when asked to write it down. I’ve kept these parts of my life mostly to myself; few people really have ever seen the struggle or the despair. I keep it that way for a reason.

You may be asking why I’m sharing this today then. Well really it’s all because of this blog post:

21 Tips to keep your shit together when you’re depressed.

It made me realize how quiet we all really are on the topic of mental health, happiness and truth about happiness. I read something somewhere (that I now cannot remember for the life of me – though I think it might be words of wisdom from Geneen Roth) in which the author stated that you don’t have to be happy, that being happy is not an always thing but a once in a while thing and that’s ok. It was the first time I felt like I had permission to just be okay. To just be meh. to not have a great or super or awesome day. To not feel like a downer because I didn’t think the sunshine was the amazing and because I didn’t want to rush outside and bask in it.

I know I’m lucky, that I only deal with the really sad feeling every once in a while these days. I have amazing friends who love me and a roof over my head. Some days I get down about the silliest things and will wake up and cry for no reason, or at least not one I can explain. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am. My sadness is usually accompanied by a brief and all-consuming need to be creative, to write my soul out, and when it’s done me feel like some of the pressure is gone and I can go on.

This blog post written by someone else made me feel better about who I am, not alone anymore. I’ve done almost all of the items on that list, including meditate, managing to “just eat something” and putting on my nice clothes so I can feel good about myself. I think these tips are not just for people who are depressed, have been depressed or might become depressed but are a good set of skill’s everyone should know. Instead of insisting that we all be happy all the time, maybe being average most of the time is good enough. Maybe just waking up and feeling like the day is nothing special is really what we should be striving for.

this links back to my talk about voice like so : it took me a long time to be happy with who I was as a person, and when I finally thought I was I started seeing someone who made me feel like I wasn’t. I spent time and energy trying to be happy ALL the time because he thought that was what my default should be. (Too much mad men in his part if you ask me). I lost my voice amongst the person I was “supposed” to be and not the person I am. I’ve finally leveled out. I know once again who I am and where I fit in. I’m literally starting to get my groove back.

For the first time in a long time when I write I can feel the personality starting to show through, I can hear the words before I write them.

Being just ok is what makes me happy.



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