Love, or something kinda like it.

i used to be ashamed of how much i love. how hard and fast i fall.

recently i was hurt – yet again – when it come to love. i fell for a guy, he wanted someone else. the story isn’t new or original, but what came from it it was.

i realized that i love being in love.

it seems so shameful these days to admit to enjoying being in love, whole sitcoms are made around the very concept – i’m looking at you ‘how i met your mother’. being in love is considered something that is either to sacred to discuss, hilarious or dirty. the reality is that while we’ll read books with romantic plots and consume movies and shows based on love and falling in love as a society western culture down plays love.

i know many people who refuse to use the word love, even if it’s not romantic love but the love of a good friend. it baffles me that we are so scared to ‘love’ each other. i know there are many people who have reasons for their fear or dislike of love – “i’ve been hurt before” “it’s too serious word” “its not the right time” – but to me it seems silly to fear something that could possibly lead to the best moments of our lives.

yes, i’ve been hurt before. badly even. i’ve been stood up, broken down and left behind, but that doesn’t mean that i have to fear love, that i have to hide my love for others.
i feel emotions deeply, i often overcompensate for this by barely showing my emotions at all. so i use words to express emotions i physically have a hard time showing. love is one of those concepts.
most people prefer to show ‘love’, they use their physical actions to convey their love because they have a hard time with the word. they hug, or touch. they embrace and sing and coddle. they use gifts and mannerisms to tell people that they love them. i have a hard time hugging people, specially men i like. i seize up and feel a terror i can not explain at an act that others consider normal. for me, taking the time out to hug someone, especially a man, is akin to me telling them i care for them, and probably not far behind some kind of love – whether brotherly or not.

i’d much rather just tell you i love you, its easier for me. (and so help you if i get near a keyboard or pen and paper, you may have a love ballad on your hands, or worse a love letter). perhaps this part of myself is the reason i have trouble understanding western societies fear of love. maybe thats why people flee to Paris to express their romance and love.

whatever the reason, i love – love. i can not express the joy i feel at the flutter of butterflies in my stomach when my hand grazes the hand of the one who can bare ownership of my affections. The heart stopping sensation when they smile at me, and the weakness in my limbs when they compliment me. my soul practically laughs when they challenge me. there is nothing quite like being challenged to be better then you are – specially whens its by someone who believes you can be better.

the down side to loving as much as i do, as strongly as i do, is the process of falling out of love. maybe its a break up, unrequited love or simply moving on but no matter the reason falling out of love hurts. its hard and painful and sad. you spend 90% of your time analyzing what went wrong and why their gone. at least thats what i usually do.

the place of being in between or ‘out of love’ is difficult.

the only thing that often keeps me going is knowing that i can always love my friends (even if they will never ‘love’ me back) and that one day i’ll fall in love again. if i’m patient and resourceful maybe the next time can be the last time, and wouldn’t that be something? to be in love with one person forever seems like a magic that isn’t for us mere mortals.

To those out there who are in love, have found love, or who are waiting for love, this one is for you. never be afraid to love – if we fear love how can we ever hope to find each other.

-Leah

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